Day 10 of 365

So I got off track due to health issues. So starting back up again. I will be catching up reading in the Bible so that I can have the experience of reading the it in its entirety in a year. A few things I learned this week:
1. I really need to focus on losing some weight and eating healthier. So I started setting up with a coach to hold me accountable with the goals they set for me. Baby steps to meet a large goal. I do not have a cause for the pancreatitis diagnosis, but I expected the worst as every test was coming up negative. I worried about cancer the most. Just because nothing was adding up, test was coming back negative, I am still young, and I don't have a history that would cause a risk of this happening. All I knew is I was pretty sick and had been since Saturday, then out of the blue hit with the pain I experienced. Thankfully CT did not find anything indicating my worst fear. So leads me to believe this was my wake up call to lose weight, eat right and exercise. Make the time and get it done. No excuses. Today starts my journey.

2. Just when you think you have experienced severe pain in the past, there is always worse pain than that. It put into perspective the face scale used when assessing pain. It's scary every single time you think you have reached that threshold.

3. I was saying over and over through the screams for the Lord to help me. He really did. My husband, again as always, was my biggest supporter. He sat in an uncomfortable chair for close to 24hrs in the ER without one single complaint. He brought me whatever I needed or asked and not one single time complained. This is huge because I am a big pain in his behind for so many reasons, but every time I have had a health concern never does he make me feel that way. Just know he was with me and only left to get Madyson ready, taken, and dropped off at school. Brendan was right there and refused to leave Jason or myself until he knew I was going to be ok. My goodness, my close friend/neighbor, the God send she is showed up, scared to death hearing my screams and seeing EMS show up, took Madyson and cared for her so Jason and Brendan could tend to me. Then after I made it home, she made me soup to ease me back to food. I have no idea where we would be without her and her family. My aunt, I can not express how blessed I am to have her. She is another rock in my foundation. She is my voice of reason that loves me through all the craziness and baggage I carry. She has known me and loved me longer than any other person on this earth. All these people again so strategically placed in my life. I know I am beyond blessed. 

4. I have such a strong little girl. That baby and I was home alone when I went through the most severe pain I personally have ever experienced and she not once panicked or cried. She was so calm and like a big girl she talked to the people on the phone and helped me call 911. I asked her if I freaked her out. Her response, "I was ok on the outside but on the inside I was sad and scared because you were screaming and crying" She was glued to me when she was not at school after that moment.

5. I know 100% I work with some great people. I was on the phone with a coworker when the pain came on so suddenly and strongly and she scrambled trying anyway she could to get the help I needed. The way they followed up on my condition and helped me ease back into work, I just can't express how grateful I am for them all the way up to the owners. God guided them to me and visa versa at just the right time. His timing is perfect, and even when I did not understand it at the time I see a bigger picture now as to why.

6. While I was in the hospital I was able to just be present. Observe how people interacted with me on the patient side. I heard a story from my aide who was from Michigan and how she ended up in East Texas. A story from a transport person that involved his passion for kids and his journey to adoption along with having small biological children. As he said, "when an adult commits to taking a child in,  that is a forever commitment and you can't just change your mind". I love the different stories each one of us have to provide the color into this dreary world. Every single person I was so proud to see how caring they are, how compassionate they were, and the advocacy they provided on my behalf. In the midst of what we see and read on TV/Papers/Media there is good out there, there are some really good people in this world.

My take away from all this, I am healthy, I am blessed, I have goals I am committed to keep, God is so good and always present.

My goals: Add breakfast to my daily coffee and continue to read my Bible in the morning before starting my day. Continue to read my devotionals with early morning reading and before bedtime. Fix a lunch box with fruit/veggie snacks and flavored water. (I usually don't eat breakfast or really anything until I get home at night and I don't really drink anything but coffee early then nothing until I get home). Do some activity (preferably physical) with Madyson every evening after I get home from work. There are so much more but these are the shortest most achievable goals I set today.

Wish me luck along this crazy journey I am on. Wishing all my friends and family all the blessings that lead to happiness, health, and love and peace. Thank you all for the love and support I have received the last 4 days.

Invisible Pain

Have you ever felt alone even with family and friends close by but still feel all alone inside? Have you ever felt guilty about feeling alone knowing you have a wonderful support system surrounding you? Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be myself. Why when I am myself,  am I so misunderstood? I feel so pushed away from everyone sometimes. I know there are a handful of people that love me regardless, so I hide my misery from them because my time with them is limited. I just want to be happy and enjoy the limited time I have with them. So I keep my pain pushed down deep inside of me hoping they can't see how alone and hurt I feel. The bulk of my time is with people that don't care to understand and don't really have to. Yet again leaving me alone inside because I am not free to be myself at all. After holding the hurt in for so long you feel yourself just distancing from everyone, even the ones that love you regardless. How do you get through this pain?

The bulk of my time is spent working. I love my job itself because it can be so rewarding, but it is very stressful and that takes a toll on me too. I don't know how to fit in. I thought if I share my life with people then I wouldn't feel so misunderstood but in the grand scheme of things my life is really insignificant to people I work with. I only say that because really everyone has a story. Every person I work with has a unique individual story. I shouldn't push mine on others to get to know because my story is equally important as every single person I deal with on a day to day basis.

I know I shouldn't care what other people think but it's very hard not to when others opinions affects your goals and the environment you work in. So I try to find my place and I have found I am not very good at that. I am way to open about my life, my feelings, my opinions, my hopes, my dreams, and my frustrations. I find myself constantly attempting to mold into what is expected of me. This sometimes makes me feel like I am completely unlovable. I am not good enough for people to want to get to know me, love me, or understand me. I don't know why.

There are a handful that do see me as the person I feel I am. Someone that is good. Someone who tries very hard. Someone that loves their family and friends. Someone that is honest. Someone that is beautiful inside and out. These people are not very many though so I get left feeling hurt because there is just something about me that most people don't want to see.

If there is someone that is going to get screamed at, slapped, looked over, pushed around, left behind, or pushed to the side, that person will be me. If there is a line up of people and you had your pick of 2 out of 10 people to be lined up I would be the 9th person picked, maybe. I am not the cream of the crop. I am broken. I am the car that has the 200K+  mileage and is running but the windshield is cracked,  the side mirrors dangle, 2 tires won't hold air for very long, the inside lights don't work, the carpet is stained and the car squeals and pops as you drive it down the street. That is me. I am reliable and that is the only redeeming quality.

I am so lost on how to deal with the pain that I feel. I can't really let it out because then I feel like it's just a pity party and that is not going to solve anything. I try to cover it up by changing into what is expected of me but I am impatient. The time it is taking for me to make necessary changes is taking so long. I have a hard time with this because it makes me feel like why can't they love me for me. Why do I have to change so much of who I am to fit in? Why am I so bad that people can't just love me.

I know the problem is me. I say that because for me to have the problems I have everywhere I go then the problem is me. Not anyone or anything else, just me. My own mother and siblings can't stand me so why should anyone else? I have a hard time getting along with everyone I come across all through school and even over the years through the various jobs I have worked. This tells me the problem is me! Nobody can have the problems I have had and say none of the blame falls on themselves. They are crazy if they believe that. That is what has led me to want to change. I want to change for the better.

I felt accomplished with the progress I was making until I was slapped with the realization that I will always be who I am and I have already screwed up waiting so many years later to see I am the problem and the one that has to change that nobody cares to see the progress I have made. I have suppressed myself, my feelings, and changed my image too late. I am what I am and that is all I will ever be. I am broken and hurt and nobody can really see the pain I feel.

So now I am just existing. I am loving my family as much as I can, working as much as I can, and just existing in this big bad world that doesn't really care if I am hurting.

Madyson's first Easter 2012

On this Easter Sunday I am left feeling overwhelmed with the blessings I have had my entire life. I have no idea why I have been so lucky to receive the blessings I have thus far. I have had so many ups and downs that it is hard to believe 2 yrs ago, I know I was blessed even then, but felt so much emotional pain that I honestly felt lost in whatever plans God had in store for me. In the words of my devoted husband "what a difference a couple of years make". My path in life that has been designed has been nowhere near an easy path and I am sure there will be other difficult times I will face in my future but its the blessings that get me through those moments.
I am so beyond thrilled to be celebrating this special day with my little family. This is my precious baby girl's first Easter at 7 weeks old.




I am a little sad that today is my last day to spend with her before going back to work. Time flies by so fast that sometimes I don't know if I can keep up. It seems like yesterday I was waiting for Jason to come home from work to let him know we were expecting a baby. Now she has so much personality and she is packing on some pounds. She finally has chubby little rolls on her tiny little limbs. She fights sleep almost in a way like she doesn't want to miss all the excitement of the world surrounding her.



I couldn't be more proud of how Brendan has adjusted to the change of being a big brother. He avoided the whole idea of us expecting a baby girl most of the pregnancy. I think he still hurt from the loss we had 2 yrs ago. Towards the end of the pregnancy he was growing more and more excited about his little sister. He was the first to hold her after me, of course. He also was the first to feed her a bottle. He had the biggest grin on his face when Jason walked in the room and saw him feeding Madyson. He was so proud of that moment!

Watching Jason hold and love Madyson melts my heart. She is already a daddy's girl and she's not even 2 months old. He is so gentle with her. To calm or just entertain her he often dances around the house with her. I couldn't imagine being married to a better father and husband. I really need to film him dancing with her sometime so she can see just how much of a daddy's girl she was as a baby.

Where do I go from here?

Don't you hate when you get discouraged with things in life and find yourself in some sort of a rut? I think those moments are there to test your true character and how you decide to take the hits and recover from them. Life would be boring if everything always flowed calmly without any ripples. It's the ripples that bring the excitement, adventure, the color in our lives. Those ripples are often very difficult to bear but on the other end don't we feel great that we survived those moments? I know I do. It doesn't often happen until a few weeks or a couple of months after but if I keep my eyes open I can see a bigger picture after I survived whatever crisis I am going through at the time. This is not always easy just because as I said before I am generally not a very optimistic person. Or at least I'm not when it comes to examining my own character or life. I so wish I was the most mellow person in the world but for some reason feel like I got to guard myself. Guard myself from what? I am looking to somehow find a way to change all that. People can't relate if you barricade yourself behind a brick wall. I have to take baby steps to break the wall I have put up the past 34yrs. My plan is to start with smiling. Smiling even when it's hard to smile. When things get hairy, I will think of the something that warms my heart. It might not relate to whatever is going on either but won't matter because I will have a smile on my face. A smile is infectious. You can't go wrong with a smile. It is a positive feeling that when people see or encounter it can change a tense situation to a warm inviting one. That is how I feel about a smile. Talking is nothing without that smile. People take things wrong too often without a smile. Smiles can make all the difference in the world even for those that are stressed or hurting in some way. I am not sure what the next step will be but I sure am hoping and praying that God will be gracious enough to help me successfully knock out the first part of my brick wall. I'm sure I will have many many more bricks to knock down but this is the first step to a new me! Here we go and I am so very thankful that I have the support and love I have. Life has ups and downs and I am choosing to focus more on the ups while weathering through the downs in my life.

Peace and Happiness Isn't Always Easy

Teenagers are famous for rebelling against all sorts of authority because they want to find their own way in life. A teenage girl brought up in the face of alcoholism can add to her chaotic whirlwind of hormones, emotions, and rebellion. Imagine this girl reaching out for support from her mother because she was raped by her drunk step father only to find she was left standing alone to defend herself and deal with the trauma all alone. This one moment changed a girl’s life forever more.

Her mother didn’t believe anything she had to say. She was left standing alone, afraid, confused, and with an overwhelming feeling of filth inside of her. From that day forward she lost herself. Her escape from reality was found in drugs, alcohol, and sex. Her parents were now dealing with so much more than the normal teenage rebellion. Who was to blame for this? This girl needed someone to love her, to protect her, to hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok and that she didn’t cause or deserve this horrible crime that was done to her. Unfortunately, she didn’t get any of those things. She never spoke of that incident again. Her family continued to live as if nothing had happened. They didn’t want to feed into whatever attention or sympathy the teenage girl was trying to gain.

This girl surrounded herself with people that didn’t have a care in the world. She was surrounded by thugs and drunks. She had a false sense of acceptance from her group of friends. She was outgoing and fearless for once in her life and people gave her plenty of attention for it. This gave her the courage to eventually break away from her parents’ control. So she dropped out of high school and joined the armed services as soon as she was able to. For the first time she felt free. This freedom did not last long. She continued to seek solace and comfort in the arms of various men to help her self esteem. This was the only way she felt love and the only way she knew to show it. Unfortunately that kind of love came with a price. She ended up pregnant and when she confronted the father he denied any possibility of involvement. Again, the girl was left standing alone, afraid, confused, and with an overwhelming feeling of filth inside of her. She wondered what was wrong with her, why doesn’t anyone love her, why is she always alone?

Slowly she finally picked up the pieces and tried to move forward the best way she knew how. She decided to change her ways. She gave up the drugs and alcohol. Eventually, she met a man that took her in. He didn’t seem to mind she was pregnant. She was very young and very pretty. For the first time in a long time she felt loved. When the baby was born he even put his name on the birth certificate claiming to be the baby’s father, even though he wasn’t. They seemed so happy. By her third pregnancy, things changed. Her husband no longer loved her and couldn’t give a good reason why. They fought all the time. She felt lost and confused again. She learned he had been seeking solace in another young lady’s arms. Seems he preyed on very young innocent women. In the end, she was left standing alone, afraid, confused, and with three children to care for this time. How in the world is she going to be able to this all alone?

She picked up the pieces once more and moved forward. This time working several jobs to make ends meet. Unfortunately, she didn’t have much time to spend with her babies because it was very hard being a single parent to three little precious babies. She did the best she could with what she had to work with. Although she tried, she still lacked the self esteem to break the chain that had been handed to her. She still continued to seek for love the only way she knew how to show it. She wanted and needed to get out of the hell she had been in since she was a teenager. The kids continued to stay at the baby sitter’s while she worked and tried to find a decent companion that would love her for who she is and would somehow help her out of her personal hell she has been living in. She did find a man that seemed decent, but he also had a lot of baggage himself. It took her some time to open up enough to let him in but she finally gave in. He loved her unconditionally. This was something she had been missing her entire life. She knew her babies also loved her unconditionally but somehow felt that wasn’t enough.

So she eventually married again and he was a good father to her children. He was also a great husband and loved her unconditionally. Something she never felt she ever had before. She finally was able to enjoy life a little and spend quality time with her babies. She had the added responsibility of raising not just her kids but his also. After some time passed, this proved to be a difficult task even for love. She found it hard to be truthful when it came to money. She wanted her husband to be happy no matter the cost. She made some pretty hard decisions and wasn’t always honest when she needed to be. She changed because she was so afraid of losing that unconditional love she longed for her entire life. The lies she told came easier and easier and eventually it became so hard to figure out the lies from the truth. She changed to guard herself from any danger she felt. She had to have total control because there was no way she was going to be left standing alone and confused ever again.

So the question is when does responsibility for our actions set in? This girl had been broken due to her parents’ inability to stand up and take responsibility in protecting their child. This girl showed so much potential all she needed was love and understanding. At some point though, we all have to face our demons and our past and take responsibility for the choices we make in life. We can’t use our past as an excuse for our decisions in life forever. So when is it that the blame switches? We all make mistakes in life, some worse than others. However, there is so much to gain when you own the mistakes and do your best to make things right. I admire those that struggle from such situations and somehow find peace and happiness.

The Impacts of Simple Gestures

My Real Life Super Heroes

I was listening to the lyrics to Bon Jovi's new song "Superman Tonight" and watching the video. I kept thinking of the real life heroes that have crossed my path throughout my life. So I thought I would share some of these great people and my experience.

March 2010 will be forever etched in my memory as one of the hardest points in my life. March 4th was the dreadful day my life changed in an instant. My intuition gave me glimpses that something was about to happen but I don't know if I was ignoring or if I just didn't want to confront what was about to happen. The weeks leading up to that day, I was experiencing mild cramping and occasionally I would even be forced to stop and hold my lower abdomen but the pain would subside after stopping and taking a couple of deep breaths. I didn't think anything of it because I have a bad habit of waiting too long to go pee. The day before I even expressed how nervous about that first prenatal visit. They asked me why and I responded with fears of the baby being in the tubes or something crazy like that. They gave me comfort by telling me, "oh, don't worry you would have lots of pain in your back and abdomen. April everything will be just fine, you'll see." The next day I heard the dreadful words out of my doctor's mouth, "I wish I had better news but we were unable to detect a heartbeat." I sat on the end of the examination table quietly and secretly knowing my baby was gone. Everything else the doctor had to say was sort of a blur. He told us the baby was in perfect position, just sometimes these things happen. How? I sometimes still think of all the possibilities, I imagine that is something that will always be with me, in a way, to prevent another experience like this (Like I really have any control of that).

Now you are probably wondering how this relates to super heroes crossing my path, right? Well, I am getting there, I promise.

So the doctor went over several options on how to handle our situation. Because I was 9 weeks along, I was warned that I would likely experience severe pain and blood loss as I pass the baby. I chose to have a D&C done but I didn't want to jump into that procedure right away. I wanted to be 100% certain that the baby was not alive. March 4th was on a Thursday. I was offered a follow up sonogram the following Monday. That was the longest weekend EVER!!! I was so obsessed. Obsessed with every sensation I was experiencing. Obsessed with going to the bathroom and wiping. Obsessed with the idea that maybe, with prayer, a miracle would occur and there would be a heartbeat come Monday morning. Little did I know that God was listening to everything and watching over me.

As I expected, there was no change on Monday but I was able to see my baby. I even received the one and only picture of my sweet little angel, which I needed for remembrance, coping, and accepting everything. As you might expect, my supportive husband was the main super hero through all of this nightmare. We were inseparable for 10 days following the horrible turn of events. I don't think I would have recovered as well as I have without him. The night before I had the procedure I couldn't sleep. I had these horrible dreams of crying uncontrollably before going in the operating room and then coming out in the fetal position. I didn't have a clue what the day was going to have in store for me. I just knew I wasn't strong enough to go at this all alone.

My husband and son stayed with me up until about 15 minutes before they took me back to the operating room. I held myself together surprisingly well. The experience so far was nothing like my nightmare.

After my husband left my side to take our son to school, I started falling apart. That is when the second super hero crossed my path. There was a nurse that saw me go by on the stretcher and recognized me from nursing school. She stopped by my holding room to see how I was doing and what was happening. After I shared my story, she offered to stay with me until they took me to the back. I was so relieved that she came at just the right time. She helped me cope better with what I was about to go through. She told me she showed up for work and wasn't expected to be there so she didn't have any assignments at that time and that is why she was able to stay with me. I felt so blessed at that moment because I needed someone at the exact moment she walked into my room.

After everything was over, there was a very short time that my husband wasn't with me. I was extremely nervous about what nurse I would have and I didn't really want to be overly emotional with some stranger. That is when super hero number three crossed my path. My recovery nurse was someone that I worked with. She knew me on a personal level and held me tight so that I could let my tears flow. She stayed by my side until my husband showed up. When she wasn't holding me she was holding my hand and simply listening to whatever I would ramble about. She had no idea just how much I needed her emotionally.

Up to this point, there wasn't many friends and family physically there. However, I was amazed by the out pour of concerns via emails, text messaging, and social websites. I had reconnected with people I hadn't seen or heard from in years. These people help me on a daily basis get through this ordeal. I didn't have my laptop for a few days and I was so lost. After about a week, I came home to find a new laptop waiting for me. I asked my husband what in the world did you do? The laptop is not a necessity and why did waste the money? He told me that he didn't see it as a waste because he feels like it's good therapy for me. He felt like it was a great outlet for me. How can I argue with that? To all those I communicate with on here, you are too numerous to count but I also consider you my heroes for keeping me sane through all this.

I was so grateful for the friend, super hero number 4, that stayed to keep my husband company while I was in the operating room and came to visit me in recovery just to be sure I was ok. He asked me the day before if there was anything he could do and I just told him that my husband could probably use some company while I was being worked on. It amazed me that what he was asking wasn't just words, they were heartfelt. I view him a little differently now and he holds a special place in my heart for that.

The last group of super hero's through this ordeal was a couple of nursing school buddies that showed up just when I needed them to. I came home that day and slept off the medication I received. When I woke up, I had two friends show up with goodies for my son, some much needed conversation and, of course, food. Now, remember I said my husband and I were inseparable for 10 days? The first seven of those days we shut ourselves off completely from the world. We did not venture out of the house for anything except essentials. We were way too emotional to talk on the phone so we didn't even answer the phone when it rang. We only communicated via internet and text messaging. My friends had already told me they were stopping by and you could tell they weren't going to take no for an answer. My husband was dreading it but when they arrived there was a huge sense of relief. We had no idea just how much we needed to be reconnected with other people again. They helped us find a way back to reality. They had no intentions of staying very long at all, but I needed them. So you can see how they were my super heroes number 5 & 6.

This is just one experience to point out a few of the people I picture in my life while watching Bon Jovi's video. I don't know if it's because that was such a traumatic experience that connects me to the lyrics or what. I just feel like so many of us don't really realize just how much of an impact we have on those who surround us. These were simple gestures that changed my life completely for the better. As I said before God was listening to my prayers and he was watching over me. He sent me exactly what I needed and when I needed it.

Special thanks to:
Jason (my loving supportive husband), My sweet son Brendan, Carla Standly, Dee Colley, Roberto Cruz, LaDonna Hill, Judy Brown, Cindy McCurley, Christi & Tina Simpkins, Diera Wagner, Angella Ewing, Angela Turner, Arron Strong, Beckie Thomas, Dee Mask, all my Sam's Club family, The Radford Family, all my facebook friends, all my coworkers at GSMC, and most importantly my church family at Rosewood Baptist Church in Gilmer!!!

My precious angel
And the video I was referring to:

Sharing a few of my life's blessings

This is the first time I have have attempted to blog. I pondered over what to write and I thought maybe I should just write this blog like I would a journal. So my next thought is where should I begin? I have been thinking a lot lately about the blessings that have surrounded me throughout my life. I personally have been through so much, just in the past year. So much heartache but so many great moments to be thankful for too. I think I am naturally a negative person and for some reason seek solace in people providing me comfort as I encounter tough situations. I don't want this to be a blog to add to that. I want to focus on the good stuff in my life. I might mention some of the bumps in the road but only to point out just how much I have to be thankful for. So here I go and I hope people can relate and enjoy my posts.

A year ago, at this time, I was finishing up finals in my last semester of nursing school. I still am amazed every single day that I actually completed a long term goal! Anyway, I was so nervous and excited all at the same time about becoming a nurse. This was a major change considering I waited 10 years before returning to college for a degree. I worked in retail for 13 years before I began the nursing program. This was the single most important thing I have ever attempted. I came very close to failing classes on several occasions. I cried several times for several different reasons. One reason was because I felt like I was too old to go back to school. I mean, how in the world was I going to remember everything I learned 10yrs or more ago? Another reason was because I am not the smartest person in the world, so I didn't have a clue how I was going to get through this. I just knew that I wanted to do something more with my life. I felt as if I was put on this earth for a reason and I didn't feel I was living up to that purpose. If I couldn't spend all my time with family, I wanted to have a job where I could help people and make a difference some how, some way. The third reason, I am not a person that makes friends as easily as I would like. I try way too hard to fit in. None of that should matter. I didn't go back to college to "fit in", regardless I found myself desperately wanting and trying to. The last reason for tears was I questioned my decision to make this huge career change on a constant basis. After sinking all the time and money I had, I was worried I made the wrong choice simply because I just never thought I was good enough, smart enough, or fast enough to be the type of nurse I want to be.

Reading up to this point your probably thinking, "ok now I thought you wanted to focus on the blessings?" In order for you all to really appreciate my blessings, you have to hear a little of my mindset and my personality, sorry.

The most important blessing is my husband, who has supported me more than anyone ever has in my life. He questioned my decision to become a nurse from the very beginning. He was on board as long as I found someone that would loan me the money to go. I didn't think I would be able to get a loan by myself without a cosigner. Another blessing was when I, not only did I find a way to get a school loan, was able to get enough to cover my college and daycare cost. My husband was still skeptical about me attempting this because I always came up with ideas but would lose interest and never finish what was started. Even though he was skeptical, he provided an atmosphere for me to succeed. I didn't have to worry about cleaning, cooking, taking care of my son. He did all of that for me because he wanted me to be happy and successful. That was tough! I missed spending quality time with both of them. That was the longest 4 1/2 years of my life but now that I have finished I feel so happy and fulfilled. Yes I am in debt up to my ears and will paying on school loans until God knows when, but I finally feel like I am fulfilling my purpose in life.

Some may read this and think, "why couldn't you be happy with simply being a mother and wife?" or "how could you not feel fulfilled with the supportive husband you already had and your child?" The only way I know to explain this is I felt like I was on autopilot. I did the same job everyday and I didn't particularly like the job. I worked opposite shifts from my husband so there wasn't much "family time", which left me feeling disconnected. I am a talkative, open, and pretty honest person, which is some of the reason why it is hard for me to make friends easily. Most people prefer quiet, reserved but friendly type. I am friendly enough but I am far from quiet and I have found that tends to get on people's nerves more than anything. (At least it seems that way for the people I have to spend any length of time with) I have a lot more quality time with my husband and child now. I work long shifts which leaves me with more days off to spend time with the two most important people in my life. So, does it make sense that now I feel more complete? I have a great job that leaves me feeling happy for so many reasons. I have the time I was missing from my family. I get to connect and possibly make a difference through the care I provide. I no longer have to worry about "fitting in" because those that matter most love, support and accept me for how I am and who I am no matter what.

I hope you enjoy this post and can relate in some way. I have many more insights to share in the future.