Invisible Pain

Have you ever felt alone even with family and friends close by but still feel all alone inside? Have you ever felt guilty about feeling alone knowing you have a wonderful support system surrounding you? Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be myself. Why when I am myself,  am I so misunderstood? I feel so pushed away from everyone sometimes. I know there are a handful of people that love me regardless, so I hide my misery from them because my time with them is limited. I just want to be happy and enjoy the limited time I have with them. So I keep my pain pushed down deep inside of me hoping they can't see how alone and hurt I feel. The bulk of my time is with people that don't care to understand and don't really have to. Yet again leaving me alone inside because I am not free to be myself at all. After holding the hurt in for so long you feel yourself just distancing from everyone, even the ones that love you regardless. How do you get through this pain?

The bulk of my time is spent working. I love my job itself because it can be so rewarding, but it is very stressful and that takes a toll on me too. I don't know how to fit in. I thought if I share my life with people then I wouldn't feel so misunderstood but in the grand scheme of things my life is really insignificant to people I work with. I only say that because really everyone has a story. Every person I work with has a unique individual story. I shouldn't push mine on others to get to know because my story is equally important as every single person I deal with on a day to day basis.

I know I shouldn't care what other people think but it's very hard not to when others opinions affects your goals and the environment you work in. So I try to find my place and I have found I am not very good at that. I am way to open about my life, my feelings, my opinions, my hopes, my dreams, and my frustrations. I find myself constantly attempting to mold into what is expected of me. This sometimes makes me feel like I am completely unlovable. I am not good enough for people to want to get to know me, love me, or understand me. I don't know why.

There are a handful that do see me as the person I feel I am. Someone that is good. Someone who tries very hard. Someone that loves their family and friends. Someone that is honest. Someone that is beautiful inside and out. These people are not very many though so I get left feeling hurt because there is just something about me that most people don't want to see.

If there is someone that is going to get screamed at, slapped, looked over, pushed around, left behind, or pushed to the side, that person will be me. If there is a line up of people and you had your pick of 2 out of 10 people to be lined up I would be the 9th person picked, maybe. I am not the cream of the crop. I am broken. I am the car that has the 200K+  mileage and is running but the windshield is cracked,  the side mirrors dangle, 2 tires won't hold air for very long, the inside lights don't work, the carpet is stained and the car squeals and pops as you drive it down the street. That is me. I am reliable and that is the only redeeming quality.

I am so lost on how to deal with the pain that I feel. I can't really let it out because then I feel like it's just a pity party and that is not going to solve anything. I try to cover it up by changing into what is expected of me but I am impatient. The time it is taking for me to make necessary changes is taking so long. I have a hard time with this because it makes me feel like why can't they love me for me. Why do I have to change so much of who I am to fit in? Why am I so bad that people can't just love me.

I know the problem is me. I say that because for me to have the problems I have everywhere I go then the problem is me. Not anyone or anything else, just me. My own mother and siblings can't stand me so why should anyone else? I have a hard time getting along with everyone I come across all through school and even over the years through the various jobs I have worked. This tells me the problem is me! Nobody can have the problems I have had and say none of the blame falls on themselves. They are crazy if they believe that. That is what has led me to want to change. I want to change for the better.

I felt accomplished with the progress I was making until I was slapped with the realization that I will always be who I am and I have already screwed up waiting so many years later to see I am the problem and the one that has to change that nobody cares to see the progress I have made. I have suppressed myself, my feelings, and changed my image too late. I am what I am and that is all I will ever be. I am broken and hurt and nobody can really see the pain I feel.

So now I am just existing. I am loving my family as much as I can, working as much as I can, and just existing in this big bad world that doesn't really care if I am hurting.